Saturday, July 12, 2008


hopefully sleep will come soon to me... going to listening to 300 soundtrack to go to sleep...


faint darkness turns to sunlight
as the crisp sun rises over the sky
turning the whole world
into a purplish pinkish
the kind of color
you see in your dreams
but you know your awake
as you hear the birds
and can taste the dew
of the morning

it's that kind of day
that seems to make it all worth while of living
living the dream
and forgetting the ghost of the past

the knife
you see the blade so shiny
crisp to the feel as the dew on your feet
you look at the sky wave the knife around
and life is no more
in a dream it was a word
and it ment everything....

Dreaming of Nothing

The lights flicker on and off
thats when I know he will come
thats when I know
the bad men have arrived
to take your souls
and to steal the night
its in you
its in me
everything we touch
glows red
red of blood
blood of a passing
into the night from the living
to the dead
we roam the earth
of broken souls
for the bad men have taken us
to the dreaming
Of nothing...

Can't sleep

Sitting here at my computer its 5:27am have to be at work at 4pm and can't sleep. Got off of work at 10pm yesterday and cant sleep my mind has to many thoughts in it.. and not even tired at all took my medication to, that usually really tired..But tomorrow at work i know i will be tired and really can't offered to be late to work at all.. or will have to find a new job that weighs on my mind alot thats all i think about. So I try even harder to be a good employee and do a even better job.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


Tragic heart's in a life of no understanding
for love doesn't live here anymore
its for the world to see
of whats gone wrong
when we run away
hide under the weeping willow tree

tragic soul of a life gone by
here for you and me
we see the tragic of our lives
by the fallen tree
take a needle prick the skin
for this will be

Monday, June 30, 2008

Tear into you with the flesh of my fangs
broken skin laying all around me
the broken skin of a liar
you said forever you said forever
i scream and run to you
nothing is forever you say
so i go on and on

make a new life
but your shadow is still there
cant shake you
cant get over you

love has died in my soul no trust for no one
nothing for no one
shadow is there in my head of you
in my heart of you
in my vision of you

love is not forever
you were never forever

and so it seems
i am alone....

The Ghost

Touching your pale skin in the moonlight
I turn you over to look at you in the light
to only see a ghost of a memory
to the past that is long gone

the world seems as if i am a shadow
that i do not belong
only your ghost
only your silent memory
will awaken me

awaken in your darkest deepest dreams
I am the ghost your the soul to be awaken
from a long journey of dreams
and visions
from a long
have finally
come to me

your the master i am the slave
your the soul
i am your ghost
i hide in the night
thats all i am
a distant memory
of a faraway
place time and searching

the ghost of you
nevermore for there is one
to be me


Searching for my soul
could it b e in this Popsicle stick
all cold dead and frozen
like so many heartless
people i see everyday
lets stare at this person
and make them feel bad
it your leg going to explode
thats what i wanna know
tell me how it hurts you
relive the pain
if you will have a Popsicle stick

Dead Roses

replacing all the dead flowers from the ground
all the dead trees around
the darkness into night
is seen by the pale moonlight

i used to look at you
but you ran away
ran so far away

the dead roses took you away
the pale moonlight
keeps me smiling

the dead roses
with the thorns
that prick so softly
like the heart and soul
the emotion so strong
like when you ran
when you ran from me

Bi-polar day

So far today i am doing good only one anxiety attack I know I can control it if i try but its very hard to do when you see lights above you and they get all blurry and your heart races and you feel like you just wanna go out of control.. so thats when the bathroom comes in handy.. I go in and take deep breath's good thing there a family restroom at wall mart. sometimes it gets so hard when i ask questions and i don't understand or i feel so out of place.. and then i feel nervous and useless.. and thats when the anxiety hits me.

don't get me wrong i like my job alot just have to control the way i am.. change who i am.. by taking my meds everyday and working with my doc's to not be so emotional.. for me i guess its a struggle to be out.. but i know also this job is very good for me... if it wasn't for this job i would be in the house more and more closed in.. and one of my goals is to get out more and be in places..

Friday, June 27, 2008

the green grass

waves in my mind flowing carefree
to the sea the grass blows
smell the fresh air see the sun
flowing as the grass does
below your feet
flowing below like the water
in the sea
how fragile
we are in the minds eye
fragile like the air wind grass and tress
it is you, your the grass upon my feet
i am the tree to hold you up
we are fragile in the world
and the our tears are the sea....

( Victoria )

Stuff in general

Couple of movies i wanna see Get Smart and The Dark Knight,, will see The Dark Knight definitely.. and wait for dvd for Get Smart ..

saw Dr Who on Sci-fi Love that show..

and had sushi.. went to a sushi place..

trying to get out more..

Monday, June 16, 2008

Things i am doing tonight

Since upon seeing my med doc this afternoon and deciding that i need to start taking my meds double at night again going to take them at 7pm cst as it helps me sleep and try to get on a normal sleep schedule.. before we tried it just 1 at day time for all three and then 1 at night for all three but that didn't work to well so now back to the old.. hopefully this will set my moods to being some what stavle, i hate the way i am when i am hype emotional sometimes it happens in the oddest way like if i go into work see the lights it happens and i have a anxiety attack so trying to lvl my stress and just every day thing to a little as possible to make my inside happy which i never am.. gotta go to bed really early tonight so i wont be late to work.. this is how it all started changeing my meds around so i wont be late.. but i think my health is important and walmart has been pretty flexible with me on my taking meds i really like where i work and its a chance for me to be around other people because normally i am at home alone most of my life cept work so this is a good opportunity for me.

my apt is a total mess so decided to clean one room a day till it is all better the only thing is i hate doing laundry.. right now i am washing the dishes and listening to star trek the next generation don't kn ow what iu would do without the sc fi channel lol...

my mood right now is kind of happy only cause i am doing something around the house.

gotta go take my meds...

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Meet the Spartans 2008 movie Trailer!

This movie I just had to go out and get .. I like the 300 alot and wanted to get the funny one.. now i can go out and drink coke and eat subway and think of 300 LOL... 2 thumbs will laugh you will cry you will love the dancing thins movie is great..


So I have this poll to see where i should go alone out in the big world, usually i don't go anywhere cept work and home.. but feeling the need to be out with people and around them.. all that is wrong with that is i am afraid of big crowds funny considering where i work at its just crowds that are close together.. But i need to do it at least try to do it ..

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" TRAILER

I went and saw this movie today its really good I think everyone should see it...2 thumbs up...

The Tree

The calm from the storm in the head of delight
I ask in the middle of the twilight
not to bring me no more pain
no more sorrow
from the land of the waking
the land of the dead
to which i know see in my head
souls that have been harmed
souls that have been lost and found
by a tree in the woods
thats where you will find me
tacked up in my life
jacked up
like the light in the sky
the colors so bold and bright
just like the endless night
of the 2 souls left behind
its the tree of life
the tree of death
that keeps you wondering in the night
one helpless
hapless soul...


so i play my music loud as i can go to cover up the ringing of my ears and i sing to it.. Sting is good for that i really like the song Fragile... it reminds me of me in a way.. always been my favorite song by him..


I hate who i am
from, the colors that run inside my head make my head hurt
cry tears of pain
i hate who i am
so alone in this life so alone thats who i am
my ears ring , wishing that it could be answered
like someone at the door to greet me
but thats not the case.
I hate i am
tears of pain and sorrow
tears constant of day and night

no one would know if i am gone
just pack up
pack up my head
this life is not for me being alone

crying is all i know
i hate my life hate the sun the people
who look and stare when i am here
of asking to many questions

is your leg going to pop

people drive me to brink
of tears
day in day out

i am alone
for i am

will always be alone

Saturday, February 23, 2008

anxity to me..

I wanna hit the walls,
scream out loud
but all i can do is cry
for fear of frustration
my mind ticks away
the number in learning
its all about the learning
hot to breathe again

I wanna kick something
for fear of totally loosening it
but thats what i already done
lost it
don t want it back
just breath
and try to
stay on track
with the ticking in my head
the nice sway motion of the ears

just breath
and you will forget all the tears
the ones in frustration
kicking and screaming dies
to the motion in the head of the ticking

just breath
and you will soon

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Being bi-polar

today at work had a anxiety attack, then feel so frustrated.. and then feel so tired like i need sleep for a million years or something..don't really feel 38 going on 39 much less i feel all of 20 .. its amazing how the world looks to me so big with my eyes where i cant scream out wheni want to but do that at home on a given night.. if the mood hits me.. good thing i have my cat with me.. and my friends who put up with me and my moods.. because i view myself different in a ever crowed world

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

being bi - polar 1

sometimes i think the world is out to get me.. thats when my ears ring and i feel dizzy and my chest hurts and feels like my world is closeing in on me.. hard to come up for air when that is happening to me... but lately i have tried doing short breaths and that seems to help or walking alot like something will just set me off and when i am tired thats the worst it will happen to me and i get so depressed for a while then the next hour or so i am happy right away again.. living in my head is not to fun when that happens .. it actually hurts ..hurts the people i am near the ones that are closest to me.. or the ones who dont know whats going on and don't wanna know.. for me i have been different all of my life this way.. and this year i have to accept myself.. cause i am the only self i have... my friends help alot, and working helps me.. being out of the house seeing people music helps me alot to... like right now i am listening to 300 soundtrack and that helps alot and my cat who other wish i would be alone.. living in my head of pain..

valentines day poem

What is this?
The apprehension...
Can't swallow...
I see you from the window....
Feeling dizzy...
Very weak...
Hearts racing...
The doorbell....
Here you are...
Happy Valentines Day =)

By Beth

unending, ending

The knife has spoken the words of bitter love taken out of the heart taken out of the soul
no more i love you will be spoken
not with the sun dead in the soul
no more words spoken at night
to a knight in shining armor
who has all but goes into a faded mystery of dust

the knife of bitterness of hatred
faded into darkness faded into memory
'memory of good memory of bad

the knife cuts the wrist to bleed
freely again to bleed of the feeling again

of a knight who is know dust
in the memory of a torn out worn out soul

no more i love you
no more anything..


Its a field I see of gold and green
a mem'ry from my mind...
I wonder if you have seen
or wonder if you find...
the center of this field I see
a willow hanging low
"oh weeping willow can you see
the place that I will go?"
what does the willow see, I fear?
what does my future bring?
the weeping willow fears my leaving, and
God will show me a greater thing...

By Beth


Life is pretty amazing short sweet and the stuff in the middle that makes it amazing. Sort of like eating a piece of fruit doing something that is good for you.. This year my goal is to make more friends and to get out of my up and i have found a really great one her name is Beth and she is really nice and wonderful person.. who writs really good poetry to..