Monday, June 30, 2008

Tear into you with the flesh of my fangs
broken skin laying all around me
the broken skin of a liar
you said forever you said forever
i scream and run to you
nothing is forever you say
so i go on and on

make a new life
but your shadow is still there
cant shake you
cant get over you

love has died in my soul no trust for no one
nothing for no one
shadow is there in my head of you
in my heart of you
in my vision of you

love is not forever
you were never forever

and so it seems
i am alone....

The Ghost

Touching your pale skin in the moonlight
I turn you over to look at you in the light
to only see a ghost of a memory
to the past that is long gone

the world seems as if i am a shadow
that i do not belong
only your ghost
only your silent memory
will awaken me

awaken in your darkest deepest dreams
I am the ghost your the soul to be awaken
from a long journey of dreams
and visions
from a long
have finally
come to me

your the master i am the slave
your the soul
i am your ghost
i hide in the night
thats all i am
a distant memory
of a faraway
place time and searching

the ghost of you
nevermore for there is one
to be me


Searching for my soul
could it b e in this Popsicle stick
all cold dead and frozen
like so many heartless
people i see everyday
lets stare at this person
and make them feel bad
it your leg going to explode
thats what i wanna know
tell me how it hurts you
relive the pain
if you will have a Popsicle stick

Dead Roses

replacing all the dead flowers from the ground
all the dead trees around
the darkness into night
is seen by the pale moonlight

i used to look at you
but you ran away
ran so far away

the dead roses took you away
the pale moonlight
keeps me smiling

the dead roses
with the thorns
that prick so softly
like the heart and soul
the emotion so strong
like when you ran
when you ran from me

Bi-polar day

So far today i am doing good only one anxiety attack I know I can control it if i try but its very hard to do when you see lights above you and they get all blurry and your heart races and you feel like you just wanna go out of control.. so thats when the bathroom comes in handy.. I go in and take deep breath's good thing there a family restroom at wall mart. sometimes it gets so hard when i ask questions and i don't understand or i feel so out of place.. and then i feel nervous and useless.. and thats when the anxiety hits me.

don't get me wrong i like my job alot just have to control the way i am.. change who i am.. by taking my meds everyday and working with my doc's to not be so emotional.. for me i guess its a struggle to be out.. but i know also this job is very good for me... if it wasn't for this job i would be in the house more and more closed in.. and one of my goals is to get out more and be in places..

Friday, June 27, 2008

the green grass

waves in my mind flowing carefree
to the sea the grass blows
smell the fresh air see the sun
flowing as the grass does
below your feet
flowing below like the water
in the sea
how fragile
we are in the minds eye
fragile like the air wind grass and tress
it is you, your the grass upon my feet
i am the tree to hold you up
we are fragile in the world
and the our tears are the sea....

( Victoria )

Stuff in general

Couple of movies i wanna see Get Smart and The Dark Knight,, will see The Dark Knight definitely.. and wait for dvd for Get Smart ..

saw Dr Who on Sci-fi Love that show..

and had sushi.. went to a sushi place..

trying to get out more..

Monday, June 16, 2008

Things i am doing tonight

Since upon seeing my med doc this afternoon and deciding that i need to start taking my meds double at night again going to take them at 7pm cst as it helps me sleep and try to get on a normal sleep schedule.. before we tried it just 1 at day time for all three and then 1 at night for all three but that didn't work to well so now back to the old.. hopefully this will set my moods to being some what stavle, i hate the way i am when i am hype emotional sometimes it happens in the oddest way like if i go into work see the lights it happens and i have a anxiety attack so trying to lvl my stress and just every day thing to a little as possible to make my inside happy which i never am.. gotta go to bed really early tonight so i wont be late to work.. this is how it all started changeing my meds around so i wont be late.. but i think my health is important and walmart has been pretty flexible with me on my taking meds i really like where i work and its a chance for me to be around other people because normally i am at home alone most of my life cept work so this is a good opportunity for me.

my apt is a total mess so decided to clean one room a day till it is all better the only thing is i hate doing laundry.. right now i am washing the dishes and listening to star trek the next generation don't kn ow what iu would do without the sc fi channel lol...

my mood right now is kind of happy only cause i am doing something around the house.

gotta go take my meds...

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Meet the Spartans 2008 movie Trailer!

This movie I just had to go out and get .. I like the 300 alot and wanted to get the funny one.. now i can go out and drink coke and eat subway and think of 300 LOL... 2 thumbs will laugh you will cry you will love the dancing thins movie is great..


So I have this poll to see where i should go alone out in the big world, usually i don't go anywhere cept work and home.. but feeling the need to be out with people and around them.. all that is wrong with that is i am afraid of big crowds funny considering where i work at its just crowds that are close together.. But i need to do it at least try to do it ..

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" TRAILER

I went and saw this movie today its really good I think everyone should see it...2 thumbs up...

The Tree

The calm from the storm in the head of delight
I ask in the middle of the twilight
not to bring me no more pain
no more sorrow
from the land of the waking
the land of the dead
to which i know see in my head
souls that have been harmed
souls that have been lost and found
by a tree in the woods
thats where you will find me
tacked up in my life
jacked up
like the light in the sky
the colors so bold and bright
just like the endless night
of the 2 souls left behind
its the tree of life
the tree of death
that keeps you wondering in the night
one helpless
hapless soul...


so i play my music loud as i can go to cover up the ringing of my ears and i sing to it.. Sting is good for that i really like the song Fragile... it reminds me of me in a way.. always been my favorite song by him..


I hate who i am
from, the colors that run inside my head make my head hurt
cry tears of pain
i hate who i am
so alone in this life so alone thats who i am
my ears ring , wishing that it could be answered
like someone at the door to greet me
but thats not the case.
I hate i am
tears of pain and sorrow
tears constant of day and night

no one would know if i am gone
just pack up
pack up my head
this life is not for me being alone

crying is all i know
i hate my life hate the sun the people
who look and stare when i am here
of asking to many questions

is your leg going to pop

people drive me to brink
of tears
day in day out

i am alone
for i am

will always be alone